Responding to Family, Friends and Colleagues Affected by a Traumatic Event

A family member, friend or colleague who has been involved in a traumatic event may or may not be showing signs of distress. People are very different and it is not always obvious what is the most helpful way to respond. The following ideas represent the conventional wisdom in dealing initially with people who may be experiencing trauma, but you can throw them out if they don’t seem to be helpful in your particular case! The important thing is to do what works out to be actually useful, but you may want to start with the ideas below. 

Listen carefully, then listen some more. People may feel the need to go over the event repeatedly. It can be an important way of coming to terms with it. Allowing the person to talk, listening attentively and respectfully, at times reflecting back your understanding of their perspective and their emotions, may be what they appreciate most.

A traumatic event may affect a person’s sense of safety and sense of being in control. Therefore, the more you take control (emergencies excepted) the harder it may be for them to feel safe and in charge of their lives again. Let them set the pace for what they need to do. Offer assistance but don’t take over. Assistance with practical things of their choosing like minding children, arranging meals, cleaning, etc are particularly valuable. Encourage the person to adopt routines, structures, and plans in their lives, especially in the coming months, as these help provide that sense of safety and control.

Likewise, some may struggle to make sense, give meaning to what has happened. Avoid trying to provide meaning, especially well-intentioned phrases like, “Lucky it wasn’t worse”, or “It will all work out for the best in the end.” People are rarely consoled by such statements, and they pre-empt the person’s own efforts to gain perspective on the event and their individual response. Offer sympathy, and express your desire to understand, and to help. Use their language in reflecting your understanding. Check out that you are hearing them as they intend. Put that process in their hands.

People respond in different ways: some need more closeness, some need more time to themselves. Respect the person’s preference. You can make the offer of spending time with them, and make sure they are aware of their community and family resources. Connecting with other people who have suffered similar experiences or even in the same event can be very beneficial.

Strong emotion including anger and a sense of injustice are valid reactions to a traumatic event. Try not to take it personally if directed at you – listen, empathise, then possibly turn the interaction to the person’s needs right now and what can be done to meet them. If necessay, take ‘time out’, but reassure the person that you will still be there for them if possible.

Children and Traumatic Events

The above points are true for children as well. In addition, children may react more overtly in ways ranging from regression to earlier behaviours, to increased tantrums or withdrawal, to poor performance at school. The younger the child the more their distress seems to show up in ‘somatic’, ie physical ways such as stomach upsets, aches and pains.

Here are some ideas that may help parents and othe carers support children:

• Spend more time with children and let them be more dependent on you during the months following the traumatic event - for example, allowing your child to cling to you more often than usual. Physical affection is very comforting to children who have experienced trauma.
• Provide play experiences to help relieve tension. Younger children in particular may find it easier to share their ideas and feelings about the event through non-verbal activities such as drawing.
• Encourage older children to speak with you, and with one another, about their thoughts and feelings. Respond to questions in terms they can comprehend. Reassure them repeatedly that you care about them and that you understand and take seriously their fears and concerns.
• Keep regular schedules for activities such as eating, playing and going to bed to help restore a sense of security and normalcy.

On the whole, however, children are extremely adaptable, do recover well, and may be more affected by their parents’ anxiety and stress than the actual traumatic event. A calm, reassuring presence may be what they need the most.

Some material has been adapted from the APA Helpcentre:  helping.apa.org/daily/ptguidelines